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Duke Picks Boring White Guy for President to Improve their Image of Being Boring and White





- satire

Duke Picks Boring White Guy for President to Improve their Image of Being Boring and White


Duke University has recently selected the current UPenn Provost and reigning President of Mayo Lovers Anonymous, Vincent Price, in hopes of shedding the University's perceived image of being bland and white.

“We were incredibly lucky to find the most white-bread and dorkiest candidate that is most like your high school English teacher to make Duke more approachable and progressive,” remarked Richard Brodhead, current President of Duke University and resident "whitest guy in any room he walks into."

While many are delighted with the appointment, others claim Price’s presidency is simply a PR stunt to appease the "politically correct." Price's diversity comes from his communications degree, which screams "different and interesting," and his glasses are "pretty edgy" as noted by the extended announcement.

Duke really had planned on picking a woman or person of color, but the Duke Head of Picking the President, John Bjorkson, claimed that Price really captured that "Dad at a Barbecue" attitude they were looking for. Bjorkson noted, “We wanted someone who would wear the white New Balances to work, and make jokes like "Hey look out your socks are untied!" upon first meeting students. Price fit the mold all too well.” The committee for picking Brodhead's successor was comprised of a diverse, hand-selected group of 15 middle-aged rich white guys.

The background of the new President Price truly speaks to his eligibility. At UPenn, the faculty voted Price “Most Likely to Tivo Modern Family” two years running. Additionally, when asked about his accomplishments at UPenn, Price claimed that “The University of Pennsylvania really allowed me to grow as an educator and thrive. My most treasured prize was not just their Esteemed Faculty award, but also the gold medal in the "Franklin the Turtle Impression" competition that they hold every year.”

Price seems to be an impeccable candidate to take the reins as President, and Duke administrators are confident that he is prepared to take on Duke’s inevitable future scandals. Price echoed this enthusiasm saying, “I’m excited to work with and for all Duke students. I liken Duke to my famous Price’s Egg Salad Sandwich: not terrible.” Price noted that his Egg Salad sandwich was his wife’s favorite recipe, and as Duke Students we hope that we can live up to these standards.