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Virgin Blood Drought forces Bannon off National Security Council





- satire

Virgin Blood Drought forces Bannon off National Security Council


President Trump announced yesterday that Steve Bannon will be leaving the National Security Council, and sources close to Bannon have revealed that the decision was made after a White House intern failed to bring Bannon his daily vial of virgin blood to drink with his lunch. The malevolent forces that keep Steve Bannon alive rely solely on a daily intake of blood from a virgin woman, but these spirits promptly exit his body if he misses a vial.

Bannon's behind-the-scenes' evil deeds drain his life force each day causing him to consume fresh plasma from the nearest virginal source, as a means to stay immortal. On Tuesday, however, an intern forgot to procure this heinous elixir for Bannon and the evil spirits residing within him tore him apart in a spectacular display.

"It was quite magnificent," recalls intern Jesse Myers, "While I'm embarrassed I screwed up, I'll never again see unholy wisps of pure satanic energy rip a man to pieces from the inside out." Bannon reportedly screamed "No! My time on this wretched earth is not finished! I had so much more evil to wreak on this planet!" as black tar spilt from his mouth and a blinding light shot forth from underneath his skin burning him alive.
"I was getting coffee for Reince Preibus when I realized I hadn't drained the blood of a virgin into the skull-headed vial that Bannon had given me on the first day of work," Myers confessed. Bannon told Myers to "keep [the vial] safe and with you always. Only the purest ether must fill this chalice or I shall be cast back into the fiery oozy pit from which I spawned." Myers stated that the nefarious vial was somehow simultaneously cold as ice, and hot like burning metal.

Reports claim that as the spirits swirled in a dark vortex around Bannon, a devilish cackle filled the air and all the lights and warmth in the room drained away. Once Bannon completely evaporated, only a small ash mark stained the Oval Office floor. "I usually get the virgin blood from Jeff Sessions, the dark warlock who haunts the White House. He keeps a stash in his desk at all times, but he was away and his office was locked. I walked around D.C. looking for virgins but I got stuck on GW campus and I knew I was out of luck," said Myers.

White House staffers are unsure who will replace Bannon or if Trump will attempt the age-old ritual designed to pull Bannon from his eternal torment beyond the gates of Hell. "Honestly, he was a fine boss," Myers told the Rival. "Sure his black lifeless eyes would stare directly into my soul when he spoke, and his voice sounded as empty as an abandoned graveyard, but he was always friendly to me and the other interns."

While Myers managed to finally have the virgin blood sacrifice ready in the vial, he showed up moments too late, just missing the sulphuric cloud of hell dust from clogging the air conditioning as Bannon's essence sloughed off his skeleton. It just goes to show that work on the Hill is as exciting as it is newsworthy!