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Sorority Girl Inconsolable After Losing $3 Hat at Carolina Cup

college culture




- satire

Sorority Girl Inconsolable After Losing $3 Hat at Carolina Cup

Because it's the cup


While dancing on top of a U-Haul truck singing “Wagon Wheel,” Alpha Lamda Nu sister Whitney Parker watched hopelessly as her $3 sun hat flew off of her head to a neighboring fraternity’s tent. Parker proceeded to sob-sing the rest of the song before chugging her drink of Aristocrat vodka and Harris Teeter brand Diet-Cola™.

Moments before the incident, Parker had been close to “peaking.” Her spray tan complimented her brightly colored Lilly Pulitzer dress, and her lamented pale pink hat highlighted the pink in her Jack Rogers. The Adderall she snorted on the bus had yet to wear off and her frenemy’s ex-boyfriend had just fingered her while dancing to “Closer.” Parker even successfully shotgunned half a beer without throwing up (unlike Audrey Winston who passed out on a bale of imported hay after her ninth shot of tequila shouting “BECAUSE IT’S THE CUP!”).

Parker had planned for the event relentlessly in the past month, packing her bag with more forethought and intent than she put into writing her college essay about her life-changing trip to Ecuador in tenth grade. Parker packed a change of clothes, a gallon of water, sun screen, her personal chef from home Gavin, Advil, horse tranquilizers, a battery-operated phone charger, 19 freshwater oysters in case she lost her pearl earrings, cocaine, and rice cakes. The only things Parker forgot were bobby pins and her parents’ twenty-one years of parenting.

After Parker’s hat was lost, she couldn’t be in any more photos because all of her friends were wearing hats. Instead she was plagued with being the photographer and spent two hours taking photos of her friends on top of the U-Haul, on the fraternity’s bench, in front of the horse track, in the tent, in the open space between the tents, and on the hay bales. In the end, only one was deemed acceptable by all parties under the condition that the poster of the photo agreed to Facetune Becca’s arm.

“This is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone” Parker proclaimed as she walked by one boy being pulled out of a tipped-over Porta Potty and another being hand-cuffed by the cops, “At least Audrey wasn’t conscious to realize her embarrassment.” Fortunately, the bus ride back calmed Parker down a bit as she was told about the “epic” things she did while blacked out, including slapping a girl for talking to her best friend’s boyfriend and hitting a record two cups in a game of beer pong.

“Honestly, I probably overreacted,” Parker finally conceded, “I mean, I’m a junior now, so I can basically do whatever the hell I want. Wearing a hat is such a try-hard thing to do anyway.” Parker’s friends reported that she has overcome the trauma, and is currently deciding whether to caption her Instagram “Because it’s the cup”, “Just horsing around”, “Channeling my inner southern belle,” or “Not pictured (or seen): horses.”